Heather Wilson & Darren Steegen

Heather Wilson, daughter of Mr. And Mrs. Mark Wilson, of New Haven, was married yesterday to Darren Steegen, son of Mr. and Mrs. Toby Steegen of Wahasset.

The bride, 28, is the former national women’s tennis champion and current Broadway actress and fashion model for Armani and Valentino. She deferred enrollment at university in order to serve as a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader from 1997 to 2001.

The groom, 23, resides with his parents in Wahasset. He is a part-time student at Icaba Community College, where he studies the Internet.

The elaborate ceremony took place in Mr. Steegen’s mind.

The couple met on a remote tropical island where Ms. Wilson was sunbathing. She was at first startled by Mr. Steegen, but then gave herself to him freely.

All of this was in his mind.

Anne Lynn Seaver & Jerry Wynn

Anne Lynn Seaver, a senior associate at Bogolmin Cleary, the Manhattan investment firm, is to be married this evening to Jerry Wynn, an assistant professor of theater at Francis Dugan University in Shelter Creek, Maine.

Ms. Seaver, 32, will keep her name. She graduated cum laude from the University of Southern California.

Mr. Wynn, 40, is also an actor and director. Last year, he directed a production of “Rag Soup’s Sunshine Boys” at the Bit and Pendulum playhouse near Los Angeles.

He received a Congressional Medal of Honor for smothering another man's cock with his body in a surprise attack during one of the wars.

Sheila Planer & Tom Glorel

Sheila Planer, the daughter of Vic Planer and Sherry Planer of Norfolk, Iowa is to be married today at the Iowa City Courthouse to Tom Glorel, the son of Rich and Gladys Glorel of Reseda Seca, Nevada.

Ms. Planer, who is not employed, met Mr. Glorel at Reseda Seca Technical Institute, where neither of them graduated.

The Bride’s parents are not employed and are both chronic allergy patients. The groom's parents also are unemployed and afflicted with a Mystery Illness. Mr. Planer vows to become a “God of the game” dropping his “ape body” to allow his “extra-sized computer” to become a "cosmic being."

Helen Ing & Joseph Chu

Dr. Joseph Chu and Helen Ing were married yesterday. The ceremony was performed at the New York State Prison at Attica by the Rev. Sgt. Tom Dwyer.

Ms. Ing, who will keep her name, is the daughter of Donald and Su-li Ing of Forest Glen, Michigan. Her father is the retired owner of the Hong Kong Pacific Trading Company. Her mother is an organizer for the Chinese-American coalition in Dearborn, Michigan.

Dr. Chu is chief of Pediatric Dentistry at SUNY, Buffalo. He is the son of the late Dr. Ha-ming Chu and Mrs. Louise Chu of Scranton, PA. His mother works for the Scranton Realty Group.

Ms. Ing is a spy for China and she will be executed on Friday at the New York State Prison at Attica.

Penaz Irma Schwahall & Eric Rumi

Penaz Irma Schwahall, daughter of Arlene and Shams of Tabriz, of Tabriz, was married yesterday to Eric Rumi by the spritiual facilitator N’gwaya at the Puma Honor Rancho in Loma Gorda.

Ms. Schwahall, 26, was the community coordinator for Box Lunches, a non-profit organization for girls. She received a Masters degree in Geology at Colby College in 1990.

Mr. Rumi, 35, is an investment banker with Peabody, Shafter and Bulb, and former president of the Chi Theta Chi fraternity at Arizona State, where he majored in quantitation.

The bride and groom will both continue to pursue extramarital sexual relationships with women. In this marriage of convenience, the couple will reside in Loma Gorda, and will maintain separate bedrooms.

Evelyn Pride Baker & Dean Nesson

Evelyn Pride Baker, the daughter of Wayne and Bula Baker of Teagarden, NV, was married on Wednesday evening to Dean Nesson.

The wedding took place at sundown on the Nightingale promontory of the Seacliff Marriott’s Juniper Piazza, overlooking the pacific ocean, in San Luis Obispo, CA.

The ceremony ended abruptly when the bridegroom literally shit his pants from anxiety.

Cynthia Worthcuttt & Jason Stamos

Cynthia Stevenson Worthcutt, daughter of Mrs. Samantha L. and Mr. Gerald H. Worthcutt of Salem, Mass, was married on Tuesday to Jason Wilson Stamos, son of Mrs. Sandy H. and Geraldo B. Stamos of Washington, D.C.

The bride, 31, a former circus worker, is now a full-time subject at the NYU electrolysis and hirsutism clinic. She has numerous credits in the entertainment industry, including the role of “Bear Lady,” and playing famous men such as Pancho Villa and Ulysses S. Grant.

The groom, also 31, is employed as the human blowtorch at Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey, where the two met. “At first I wasn’t sure I would like him,” says the new Mrs. Stamos. “I thought one of his farts was going to light my beard on fire. And kill me.” Two years later, he did light a fart at her, because he was angry, igniting her beard and scalp hair. During her painful rehab, they reconciled and fell in love.

Trudy Feckstein & Leo Grossburg

Trudy Feckstein of Palm Springs and Leo Grossburg, also of Palm Springs, were married yesterday by Rabbi Stone at Temple Shalom in Palm Springs.

The Bride, 82, has a son and two grandsons, both lawyers, and both making over 90,000 a year. She spent the last six years caring for her late husband, Myron Feckstein. She doesn’t want to be a burden on her grandchildren.

The groom, 87, has a dwindling fortune from a moderately successful career in retail. He has one son from his real marriage, and is wasting his time with this selfish woman.

Gloria Shinto & Jesse Block

Gloria Shinto, a consultant with Gilmore, Stravich and Wont, was married Saturday to Jesse Nyeen Block, also a consultant with Gilmore.

The couple met when both were at their midtown office late on a Saturday night, working on the same account. Ms. Shinto, who had wandered into the mailroom in search of binder clips, opened the supply closet to find Mr. Block masturbating with his jaw clenched.

They had never met.

“I was stressed out, so I was jacking off,” said the bridegroom. He remembers thinking that Ms. Shinto, with her black poker-straight hair, almond-shaped eyes and dark skin, might be American Indian.

William Harris & Samantha Wilson

Samantha Colby Wilson, daughter of Ms. Cythia E. and Robert B. Wilson of Ontario, CA was married Friday to William Forrester Harris, the son of Charles B. and Barbara H. Kunstler of Charleston, N.C.

The bride, 21, is a graduate student in Anthropology at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill.

The Groom, 24, is a rehabiliation counselor at the Chrysalis Foundation. He holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from New York University.

The couple will live in abject poverty in either New York or North Carolina, depending on Mrs. Harris’s post-graduate placement.

The groom had his first drink of alchohol since 1995 at the wedding and was hospitalized.

Julie Kafner & Nathanial Bilton Fein

Julie Namor Kafner and Nathanial Bilton Fein were married on Wednesday. Rev. Wendy Sommers performed the ceremony at the First Church of the Nazerene in Springbok, Illinois.

The church, built by emigrating followers of the Karlsruhe sect of the Quakers, is the oldest essentially unaltered structure in the town of Springbok, where both bride and groom reside and is the site of the grisly Weeping Meadows Massacre of 1826. The massacre came about after a riot was started when John Sommers, great grandfather of the Rev. Summers, allegedly shot an arrow through the eye of tribal chief Two Claws, inciting the Black Crow Piutes to slaughter and devour hundreds of children and women. Rev. Sommers’ throat was slit and his severed penis shoved in to his esophagus. In a cruel twist of fate, he went on to live for 13 more years in the church with his penaz sticking out of his food tube.

Ms. Kafner is the daughter of Mike and Mary Kafner of Springbok, and Mr. Fein is the son of Jerry and Phyllis Fein of Springbok.

Grover & Doodles

American Labrador, Grover, married poodle bitch, Doodles, in a pet marriage yesterday at All Saints. The marriage was performed at a mass ceremony by Brother Pasquale of the Franciscan order.

Marriage will not be the end of freedom for the cat-shit coiffing Grover, a hyper and dimwitted beast so typical of recent American labrador lines. At the ceremony, he flung saliva to and fro as his massive brown head swung from stimulus to stimulus. The irritible Ms. Doodles stamped the ground and whined to be picked up as her new husband ate a huge bowl of chocolate cake and vomited while humping a child seat, his body arcing and his glistening red ketchup-bottle penis shimmering under the photographer’s lights.